Trying To Find Reasons
by RkieFan
Summary: Mike and Jill Danko must face a tragedy that affects their family.


DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Spelling/Goldberg Productions and Viacom Entertainment. No copyright infringement is intended. The author retains the rights to the story.  
  
TITLE: Trying To Find Reasons  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SETTING: 1983, several years after the series has ended.  
  
SUMMARY: Mike and Jill Danko must deal with a tragedy that deeply affects everybody.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I want to thank Bridget for beta reading this story. I hope this story serves its purpose as a suitable diversion. I'm also issuing a hankie alert.  
  
PROLOGUE: Fall of 1983  
  
It was a cool October day. Mike Danko sat in his Chrysler station wagon outside of the elementary school where his 6-year-old daughter, Mary Kathryn, attended first grade. It was his turn to drive the car pool for his daughter's friends. He looked at his watch. It was almost 2:45. Within minutes, the front door of the school opened and children came pouring out of the building. He soon spotted his daughter and her friends as they came running to the car. Tagging behind the four little first grade girls, Mike smiled as he spotted Thomas Gillis, the son of one of his best friends. Thomas was in the third grade and considered it a pain that he had to ride with a bunch of girls. Mike always let Thomas sit in the front seat with him while the girls sat in the back.   
  
"Hi, daddy!" Mary Kate exclaimed happily, hugging Mike from behind as she sat directly behind him.  
  
"Hello, Miss Mary. Good afternoon, ladies, Thomas," Mike said, grinning at Thomas as he put the car in gear.  
  
Mike smiled as he listened to the little girls in the backseat, laughing and giggling among themselves. He kept glancing in the rear view mirror at his brown haired daughter. Her blue-green eyes shone brightly as she whispered with her friends. Her long brown hair tumbled to her waist in a tangle of curls. Jill was always telling him how much she looked like him, but her mannerisms were pure Jill.  
  
In the last several years so many things had happened. In 1979, Terry Webster's partner, Chris Owens, had left California to return to his native Spokane, Washington, where he joined the police department and married a short time after returning there. Shortly after that, Terry's former partner, Willie Gillis, decided to return to California from Ohio, where he'd been living since 1974. He and his wife, Jennifer, were the parents of 8-year-old Thomas and 4-year-old Natalie. Terry was still single but had been living with his girlfriend Serena for the last two and a half years. In 1980, the three patrolmen had all been promoted to Sergeant and Lt. Ryker had been promoted to Captain.  
  
The three best friends all lived near each other in Burbank. Mike and Jill had bought their home first, shortly after Mary Kathryn's first birthday. It was a two-story, white frame house in an older neighborhood. When they bought the house, it needed a great deal of work. At times Mike still considered it a work in progress. His brother and Lt. Ryker had helped fix the house up to make it suitable enough to live in. It had four bedrooms and a huge front and back yard for Mary Kathryn and their other children to play in. So far, there hadn't been any other children, which saddened both Mike and Jill a great deal. Jill had gotten pregnant when Mary Kate was almost three years old, but the pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage, reawakening memories of that awful night of the restaurant shooting. Since then they'd been trying to have another baby, but so far their tries had been unsuccessful.  
  
Mike pulled the car into the driveway and turned the engine off. The girls and Thomas piled out of the car. Mary Kate's friends went to their houses while Mary Kate watched after Thomas longingly as he walked toward his house, three doors down from the Danko's house. Mike smiled as he watched his daughter. He'd told Jill that Mary Kate had a serious case of hero worship where Thomas Gillis was concerned. The two of them had always been together until recently when Thomas decided he didn't like girls any more.  
  
"Thomas, do you want to go up in the tree house?" Mary Kate called as Thomas walked home.  
  
"I can't. I have homework," he called over his shoulder. The little boys' deep brown eyes and tousled brown curls were exact replicas of his father's.  
  
"Okay, then I guess I'll see you later," Mary Kate sighed as she followed her father into the house.  
  
Mike walked over to the phone and checked the answering machine. Jill had been promoted to an administrative position in 1980 and frequently worked late hours, trying to catch up on paperwork. The light wasn't blinking on the machine, which meant she would actually be able to get home on time. Mary Kate went upstairs to change her clothes before returning downstairs to join Mike in the kitchen. He put some cookies and a glass of milk in front of her before sitting across from her at the table.  
  
"How was school?" He asked as she took her Oreos apart.  
  
"Okay. Timmy Grayson tried to kiss me on the playground. Boys are so gross," she complained, making a face.  
  
"What did you do when he tried to kiss you?" Mike asked, hiding a smile.  
  
"I punched him in the arm," she answered, making another face as she ate the two halves of cookie she'd just taken apart. "Will mom be home for dinner?"  
  
"Yeah, she'll be here for dinner," Mike said, taking a cookie from her plate. "Do you have homework?"  
  
"No. Can I go outside now?" Mary Kate asked, draining her glass of milk.  
  
"Yeah. Put your plate and glass in the sink," Mike instructed, watching as she put her things in the sink and raced out the back door.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, at Memorial Hospital, Jill Danko was trying to finish paperwork before heading home for the afternoon. In the three years she'd been a nursing administrator, the one thing she'd soon learned was the paper trail never ended. She had nightmares about being buried under tons of unfinished paperwork. She sometimes felt as if she never had any time with her husband and daughter any more. The money was nice, but sometimes she missed the days when she'd been in the hustle and bustle of hospital activity. She glanced up from her paperwork at the two pictures on the corner of her desk. Mike and Mary Kathryn were her whole world; a world she was praying would be increased by one more. She was still waiting to hear from the doctor. She hadn't said anything to Mike because she didn't want him to be disappointed if the test was negative. Doubts lingered in her mind about whether the time was right to have another baby. She was always so busy that she dreaded the thought of training someone to do her job while she was on maternity leave. She was also scared. Shortly before accepting the new position in 1980, she'd suffered a miscarriage and she wasn't sure she could go through that kind of pain and heartbreak again. She hadn't even made the doctor's appointment this time until she was absolutely sure she was pregnant. Now she was just waiting to hear from him.  
  
  
  
Mary Kate was sitting in the tree house in the backyard. The tree house had been built by all of the guys one hot summer day when Thomas and Mary Kate had begged them. It was Mary Kate's favorite place. She was sitting there when she heard a voice from the ground.  
  
"Pssst! Mary Kate! Are you up there?"  
  
"Come on up, Thomas," Mary Kate said, leaning over the edge and looking down into Thomas' brown eyes.  
  
Thomas climbed up the rope ladder into the tree house and sat down. "What're you doing?"  
  
"Nothing. Did you climb the fence or did my dad let you in?" Mary Kate asked him.  
  
"Your dad let me in. I have to go home when my dad gets home. My mom was cooking dinner and my sister was being a pest. Hey, do you think your dad will let us sleep up here this weekend?" Thomas asked.  
  
"I don't think so. My mom had a fit the last time. She said she thought the mosquitoes were going to carry me away," Mary Kate said.  
  
"Thomas! Your mom is looking for you," Mike called out the back door.  
  
"My dad must be home. Hey, did you watch TV last night?" Thomas asked as he prepared to climb down the ladder.  
  
"My mom doesn't let me watch TV on school nights," Mary Kate said.  
  
"I think I'm going to be a spy when I grow up. I'll talk to you later. Bye," he said, as he descended the ladder.  
  
  
  
Jill got home just after 5:30 just as Mike was finishing dinner. She helped Mary Kate finish setting the table and then they sat down to dinner.  
  
"Thomas said something really stupid when he was going home," Mary Kate said, picking some peas up with her fork and making a face. "He said he was going to be a spy when he grows up. Not me. I'm going to be a cop."  
  
"Mary Kathryn, stop playing with your peas and eat them, please," Jill said, pointing at Mary Kate's plate.  
  
"So, how was your day?" Mike asked.  
  
"Well, the paper trail was slightly smaller today. I'd give anything for a nice day of surgical duty," Jill sighed as she began eating.  
  
"You could always talk to your boss if that's what you really want to do," Mike said as he took a drink of his iced tea.  
  
"No, I can't do it now," Jill told him.  
  
"Why?" Mike asked with a frown.  
  
"We'll talk about it later. Mary Kathryn, how was school?" Jill asked her daughter.  
  
"It was okay. I punched Timmy Grayson in the arm. He tried to kiss me on the playground," Mary Kate answered, stirring her peas around on her plate as Jill glared at her.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, you aren't leaving this table until those peas are gone," Jill told her sternly.  
  
That night after putting Mary Kate to bed, Jill joined Mike in the living room where he was reading some reports. He removed his reading glasses and put them on the table as she settled against him with a weary sigh.  
  
"So, is Mary Kate down for the count?" Mike asked, pulling Jill closer to him.  
  
"Yes, finally. Let's see. After a drink of water, reading two Cat In The Hat books and telling me all about the kiss from Timmy Grayson, she finally went to sleep," Jill said with a smile.  
  
"After hearing about the kiss from Timmy Grayson, I contemplated sending her to an all girls' school or a convent," Mike said as Jill laughed.  
  
"Mike, get used to it. She's only six now. Just wait until she turns 16," Jill teased, kissing him.  
  
"I don't even want to think that far ahead," Mike groaned, rolling his eyes. "Now, what is it we were going to talk about?"  
  
"Well, what I wanted to talk about was how would you feel about having another baby?" Jill asked thoughtfully, watching his face to gauge his reaction.  
  
"I'd love to have another baby. You know that. Mary Kate's wanted a brother or sister for a long time. Do you want to try again?" Mike asked.  
  
"We don't need to try again," Jill continued, carefully watching Mike's face. His eyes grew wide as he looked at Jill, who slowly nodded.  
  
"A baby? We're having a baby? Are you sure?"   
  
"I wanted to wait until I was past the first trimester before I went to the doctor," she nodded, breaking into a smile. "He confirmed it this afternoon. I wasn't sure because I haven't felt sick or anything. I mean, I've felt tired, but I always feel tired. So, are you happy?"   
  
"Oh, yeah!" He exclaimed as he grinned from ear to ear. He pulled her into a bear hug. "Baby, this is the most wonderful news. So, can I tell everybody?"   
  
"I don't see why not. Maybe we'll have Michael, Jr. this time," she smiled.  
  
"It doesn't matter, as long as it's healthy. I love you so much," he said as he kissed her.  
  
  
  
The next morning Mike walked into the precinct, waving as various officers greeted him. Willie and Terry were in the locker room when Mike walked in to change into his uniform.  
  
"Hey, William, have you talked to your son about his career plans?" Mike asked innocently, opening his locker.  
  
"What're you talking about? He's eight years old. Right now, his career plans should focus on getting out of elementary school," Willie said with a smile.  
  
"He told Mary Kate last night he's going to be a spy when he grows up," Mike told his friend, who rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh, he got that idea off of TV. I told Jen she lets him watch too much TV. I see your wife actually made it home early for a change," Willie said.  
  
"Yeah, I thought that was nice. I know she's not crazy about this new job. But she gave me some news last night. We're having a baby," Mike announced as the two guys broke into smiles.  
  
"Mike, that's great," Terry exclaimed. "When?"  
  
"Late March or early April. She didn't go to the doctor until she was sure she was expecting. She was pretty excited about it and so am I," Mike said, slamming his locker closed.  
  
PART ONE: THE SURPRISE  
  
A few days later, Jill and Mary Kate were having a quiet dinner together. Mike was working the evening shift, leaving Jill the task of telling their daughter about the baby. It had been something they wanted to tell her together, but Jill decided that one or the other of them should tell her before she heard about it from someone else. So Jill fixed fish sticks, one of Mary Kate's favorite meals and decided to talk to her.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you about something," Jill began hesitantly as Mary Kate started eating her dinner.  
  
"Am I in trouble?" Mary Kate asked suspiciously.  
  
"No, you're not in trouble. Daddy and I were both going to tell you about this, but daddy won't be home until late. I've got good news for you. You're going to be a big sister," Jill said, smiling at Mary Kate.  
  
Mary Kate stopped eating and looked at her mother. She loved babies and had wanted to be a big sister for a long time. "A baby? When?"  
  
"Probably around Easter," Jill answered, smiling at Mary Kate's reaction.  
  
"Is it going to be a boy or a girl?" Mary Kate asked excitedly.  
  
"We won't know until it gets here," Jill said.  
  
"Can I tell Thomas and my other friends?" Mary Kate asked.  
  
"Sure you can," Jill replied.  
  
  
  
Jill was lying in bed that night waiting for Mike to get home. She ran her hands over her still very flat abdomen. She felt so different this time around than she'd felt both with Mary Kate and with the baby she'd lost after Mary Kate. With both of those pregnancies, she'd had such horrendous morning sickness. With this one, she just felt tired. She wondered if it was a boy this time. She really wanted to give Mike a son...someone he could play ball with. She closed her eyes, remembering the fears they'd felt when she'd lost the baby after Mary Kate. That miscarriage had been a scary affair, involving Jill being rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night and blood transfusions. She didn't know if she could face that again. She was just drifting off to sleep when she heard Mike's car pull into the driveway. She listened as he came into the house and upstairs, where he first stopped in Mary Kate's room before coming into their room.  
  
"Hi, babe," he said, sitting on the bed and kissing Jill.  
  
"Hi," she said sleepily. "You look tired."  
  
"It was a long night. You look like you could use a little sleep yourself," he smiled as he unbuttoned his shirt.  
  
"I was just waiting for you to get home," she answered, struggling to sit up in bed.  
  
"Did you tell Mary Kate about the baby?" Mike asked her.  
  
"Yeah. She was so excited. I didn't think I was ever going to get her to sleep tonight," Jill smiled at the memory. "She doesn't like Michael, Jr., though."  
  
"Why not? Did you tell her that Michael's a good enough name for her old man?" Mike asked as he got pajamas out of the dresser drawer.  
  
"I know. She wanted to know if she could tell Thomas and her other friends. I'm surprised she didn't get on the roof and shout it from up there," Jill chuckled.  
  
"Why not? I wanted to," Mike smiled as he headed for the bathroom to take a shower.  
  
  
  
A few days later Mary Kate was sitting cross-legged on Thomas' bedroom floor playing checkers. They were in the midst of their game when four-year-old Natalie came in and decided she wanted to play, too. She sat down beside her older brother and began picking the checkers up off of the board.  
  
"Natalie, stop it!" Thomas shouted, pinching his little sister hard on the arm.  
  
"Mommy!" Natalie cried as she ran from the room.  
  
"You didn't have to be so mean to her, Thomas," Mary Kate told him, folding her arms across her chest petulantly.  
  
"She's a pest. I can't believe you're happy about your mom having a baby. I wish I was an only child," Thomas concluded, rolling his eyes. "It's your move."  
  
Just then Thomas' mom, Jennifer, came into the room, leading Natalie by the hand. The little girl was no longer crying, just sniffling now and then. "Did you pinch your sister?"  
  
"Mom, she was taking the pieces off the checker board. She's not supposed to be in my room," Thomas whined.  
  
"I think it's time for Mary Kate to go home. I want you to stay in your room until your father gets home," Jennifer stated, leading Natalie out of the room.  
  
"I have to go," Mary Kate said, standing up.  
  
"When your mom has the new baby, your dad won't pay any more attention to you. He won't play games with you and he won't sit in the tree house with you, anymore. You'll see. Everything's going to be different. Especially if they have a boy," Thomas called after her sullenly.  
  
"Why do you say that?" Mary Kate asked suspiciously.  
  
"Because you're the only girl and he'll be the only boy," Thomas explained, exasperated.  
  
"Well, I'd better go before your mom gets mad. Come over later," Mary Kate said as she left the room.  
  
Mike was so busy with work that he wasn't able to go to all of Jill's doctor's appointments with her as he'd done when she'd been pregnant with Mary Kate. He was working on paperwork one day when Willie came in and sat down.  
  
"William, what's going on?" Mike said, looking up.  
  
"Not much. I got home yesterday and had to put Thomas on restriction," Willie informed him.  
  
"I figured as much. When he didn't come over last night, I figured he was in trouble," Mike replied.  
  
"I don't know why he's so mean to his sister," Willie said, shaking his head.  
  
"Because she's his sister," Mike grinned.  
  
"I saw Jill come home yesterday. I would've come over to say 'hi,' but Jennifer wanted me to read Thomas the riot act. How's she feeling?" Willie inquired.  
  
"Pretty good, actually. Much better than she did with Mary Kate," Mike answered.  
  
The holidays came and went in the Danko household. Jill and Mike began talking about turning the guest room into a room for the baby.  
  
"Why? We can put the baby in with Mary Kate," Mike told her.  
  
"Mike, Mary Kathryn is almost seven years old. It's not fair to expect her to share her room with a newborn baby," Jill replied. "Especially if the baby's a boy. By the way, I have a doctor's appointment on the 10th of January. The doctor wants to get a better idea of the due date."  
  
"What time?" Mike asked her.  
  
"Ten thirty. Can you make it?" Jill asked.  
  
"I'll try, babe, but I can't make any promises," he told her.  
  
Jill went to wash dishes, trying to will away the tears that were threatening. With Mary Kathryn, Mike had rarely missed an appointment. With this pregnancy Jill felt lucky if he even asked about her appointments. She was deep in thought when she felt Mike slip his arms around her and hold her close to him.  
  
"I'm sorry, babe," he apologized guiltily. "I never realized I'd be so busy. There are a dozen cases we're working on right now and dozens more on top of that. We barely have time to breathe. I mean, you're busy, too," he sighed, trying to rationalize his motives.  
  
"I know I'm busy, too, but I still have to make time for you and for Mary Kathryn and for this new baby, too," she snapped, shrugging out of his grasp.  
  
"Is that how you feel about this? That you're having to 'make time' for this baby?" Mike asked in disbelief.  
  
"Mike, that's not what I was implying. You're trying to make it sound like you're busier with your work than I am, that's why you don't have time for any of this. Well, I'm sorry, but that's a crock and you know it," Jill concluded, tossing the dishtowel on the counter.  
  
"Babe, when we had Mary Kate, we were both younger and our lives were a lot less hectic. It was easier for me to go with you to the doctor. I'd love nothing better than to find out how things are going directly from the doctor but that isn't possible this time," Mike said.  
  
"Just promise me you'll try to at least be here from time to time before our baby graduates from college," Jill pleaded.  
  
"I promise," he said, kissing her.  
  
  
  
Jill was lying on the examining table a few days later waiting for the doctor to come in. She was staring at the ceiling when Dr. Miller walked in, whistling cheerfully. He'd been the doctor that had delivered Mary Kate and Jill wanted him to deliver this baby, too. He palpated Jill's rounded abdomen with his hands, while he was waiting for the nurse to come in so he could conduct the physical examination.  
  
"I think I'm going to do an ultrasound," Dr. Miller said thoughtfully as the nurse came in.  
  
"Why? Is something wrong?" Jill asked in alarm.  
  
"No, it'll just give me a better idea of how far along you are. You seem small for being almost six months along," he smiled at her.  
  
"Well, I'm skinnier this time, too," Jill smiled back.  
  
"Yes, I know. I want you to start eating," the doctor said, applying the gel to Jill's abdomen. Jill jumped at the coldness as he turned on the ultrasound and ran the wand over her abdomen. "Let's see what we've got here. The baby has a good, strong heartbeat." He pointed out the baby's features to Jill as she smiled. It was amazing to see tiny arms and legs moving and kicking and see little fingers moving. Jill suddenly froze as the baby changed into just the right position.  
  
"Oh my God! Dr. Miller, please tell me I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing," Jill said in an excited voice.  
  
"Well, let me put it this way. Either this is a boy or he has three legs," Dr. Miller told Jill as tears began running down her face. "Do you have a video cassette recorder?"  
  
"Yes," Jill said, still crying.  
  
"I put this on video. You can show it to Mike tonight. Congratulations," he said, turning off the ultrasound and wiping the gel from Jill's stomach. "The baby appears to be on schedule. You're just too thin. I'd say you're due around mid-March. I want you to start eating and I'll see you in two weeks."  
  
"Thank you," she said, hugging him.  
  
  
  
Mike was sitting in his recliner that night reading, when Jill came up behind his chair and hugged him. He looked up at her beaming face.  
  
"What're you so happy about?" He asked, going back to his reading.  
  
"I have a movie. Do you want to watch it with me?" She asked him, still smiling.  
  
"Jill, I really need to finish this," he sighed.  
  
"It's not a very long movie. I'm sure you can take five or ten minutes out of your busy schedule to watch it with me," she told him.  
  
Mike lowered the recliner as Jill walked over to the VCR and popped the tape into the machine. At first, it didn't register to him what he was seeing on the TV screen, and then his face broke into a huge smile as he walked over to join Jill on the sofa.  
  
"Hey, this is a nice surprise," he said, taking her hand in his.  
  
Jill didn't say anything; she just smiled a strange smiled as Mike continued watching the video. She was hoping he'd see what she'd seen that morning in the doctor's office. She suddenly felt his grip on her hand tighten and she knew he'd seen it, too. He looked at her with a questioning look on his face and she slowly nodded.  
  
"So, what do you think of seeing your son for the first time?" Jill asked as Mike brought a shaky hand up to his face.  
  
"This is incredible," he whispered. "So, everything's okay?"  
  
"Everything's fine. He's fine, I'm fine. Dr. Miller said he should be here in mid-March," she told him, gently touching his face.  
  
He looked at her with tears in his eyes as he gently rubbed her stomach. They both laughed as the baby kicked at his hand. "I love you so much," he said, kissing her.  
  
The next morning Jill was getting Mary Kate ready for school. Quickly braiding her hair, she'd just finished when they heard Jennifer Gillis honk the horn from the driveway.  
  
"Mom, I have to go! Jen's out front!" Mary Kate complained, squirming to get free.  
  
"Good morning, ladies. How's my son this morning?" Mike asked, coming into the room and kissing Mary Kate and Jill.  
  
"Active," Jill smiled, kissing him again.  
  
Mary Kate looked from her mom to her dad and back again. "How do you know it's a boy? It could be another girl, you know."  
  
"She hasn't seen the..." Mike asked Jill as she shook her head.  
  
"And, I don't have time to show it to her now. Mary Kathryn, Jen's waiting for you! Have a good day and I'll see you this afternoon," Jill said, thrusting Mary Kate's lunch box into her hand.  
  
"But, mom..." Mary Kate protested as Jill hustled her toward the door.  
  
Mary Kate walked out to Jennifer's car and got into the backseat beside Thomas and the other little girls in the car pool. She barely waved at her parents as the car backed out of the driveway.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" Thomas asked as he noted the sullen look on Mary Kate's face.  
  
"Nothing," she muttered. "Are you still on restriction?"  
  
"Yeah, for two more days," Thomas sighed, glaring at his mother.  
  
"Thomas, you can get that look off of your face. You know very well that if you didn't torment your sister you wouldn't be in this mess," Jennifer said sternly, glancing at her son in the rear view mirror.  
  
"I think my parents are going to make an announcement this weekend," Mary Kate whispered to Thomas.  
  
"What kind of an announcement?"  
  
"The kind that's going to prove you were right and I was wrong," Mary Kate stated as Jennifer pulled up in front of the school and the children got out of the car.  
  
"What're you talking about?" Thomas asked as he hurriedly kissed his mother goodbye and ran to join Mary Kate.  
  
"Nothing. I have to go. I'll see you after school," Mary Kate said as she ran to catch up with her classmates.  
  
The Danko's had everybody over to their house that weekend for a barbecue and to announce the news about the baby. Mary Kate was sullen and irritable as she sat with Thomas in the tree house. She didn't even cheer up when her godfather, Eddie Ryker, showed up.  
  
"What's going on with my goddaughter?" Eddie asked Jill as she fixed a tray of snacks.  
  
"I don't know. She's been like that for two days now. Maybe something's going on at school that she doesn't want to tell her dad and me about," Jill answered thoughtfully, picking up the tray and heading for the living room. "Do you want to call her and Thomas and ask them to come into the house to eat?"  
  
"I can do that," Eddie agreed readily, going into the backyard. "Mary Kate! Your mom said to tell you and Thomas that it's time to eat."  
  
Mary Kate, Thomas and Natalie sat in the kitchen while the adults all gathered in the living room, talking and laughing. After dinner, Jill called the three children into the room. Thomas and Natalie went in willingly while Mary Kate dragged her feet. When she finally came into the room Mike pulled her onto his lap.  
  
"Your mom has something she wants to show everybody but we especially want you to see it," Mike confided, hugging her close.  
  
Jill put the tape into the VCR and turned it on. Mary Kate felt nauseous as she listened to the roomful of adults 'ooohing' over the images on the TV screen. Jill walked over and sat down close to Mike on the edge of his recliner.  
  
"Why'd they do an ultrasound, Jill? Is everything okay?" Terry's girlfriend, Serena, asked.  
  
"Yeah, everything's fine. He just said I seemed small. He wants me to eat more," Jill said, watching the tape.  
  
"Do you have a tape of my ultrasound?" Mary Kate asked her mother.  
  
"They didn't have ultrasound or VCR's in the 70's, stupid," Thomas commented.  
  
"I'm not stupid!" Mary Kate screamed at him.  
  
"Hey, take it easy," Mike told her.  
  
"Thomas, apologize to Mary Kate," Willie told him.  
  
"I'm sorry," Thomas told Mary Kate petulantly.  
  
It was Willie who spotted the sex of the baby first. "It's a boy! Oh, Mike, this is great! Congratulations!"  
  
Everybody started congratulating Mike and Jill while Mary Kate shot Thomas a look. The little boy nodded at her with a look that said 'I told you so.'  
  
"Mary Kate, aren't you excited about your little brother?" Serena asked her.  
  
"Yeah, I guess," Mary Kate mumbled. "Can Thomas and I go back outside to play?"  
  
"Yeah, go ahead," Jill agreed as Mary Kate jumped off of Mike's lap and raced back outside with Thomas.  
  
The two kids were in the tree house when the four men came out of the house, laughing and talking among themselves.  
  
"Just think, Mike, you'll have a son to take to Rams and Dodgers games," Terry told him. "He can also follow in your footsteps and be a third generation cop."  
  
"Yeah, that'll be great," Mike beamed, handing the guys beers.  
  
Up in the tree house, Thomas looked at Mary Kate. "I thought you were going to be a cop when you grew up," he told her.  
  
"I was, but I guess my dad thinks I'm too much of a girl. Are you still planning on being a spy?" She asked him.  
  
"Sure. We could be partners," Thomas replied.  
  
"Thanks, Thomas," she smiled.  
  
PART TWO: THE TRAGEDY  
  
The late winter days went by without incident. Mike and Jill began fixing the guest room up as a room for the baby with everything blue and white. Mary Kate tried not to be jealous but it was hard when every topic of conversation centered on the new baby, who they were planning on naming Michael, Jr., but calling him MJ for short. Since both parent's had hectic work schedules, Mary Kate spent a great deal of time at the Gillis' house after school. On the weekends, she would stay at the Malibu house with Eddie and Trap if Eddie's work schedule permitted it.  
  
In February, approximately six weeks before the baby's birth, Jill started getting sick. At first, she thought it was the flu since everybody had come down with it earlier. Only as the days went by she didn't feel any better. She asked the doctor about it when she went in for her regular appointment.  
  
"So, how've you been feeling?" Dr. Miller asked, palpating her abdomen.  
  
"I thought I was lucky when I didn't get morning sickness. I wasn't aware that it could strike late in the pregnancy. I can't eat anything," Jill complained. "Also, some days, MJ's very active and other days, he doesn't seem to move much at all. Is that normal?"  
  
"Every pregnancy's different, Jill. From what I'm feeling and hearing right now he's just fine. He's the size that he should be and things look to be right on schedule," he assured her.  
  
"How much do you think he'll weigh?" Jill asked him.  
  
"From the measurements I've taken, I'd say about seven and a half pounds, maybe a little more," he smiled. "Relax a little, Jill. You're both doing just fine."  
  
Mike's car was in the driveway when Jill pulled up. He was sitting on the back patio, drinking a beer when Jill came outside. She kissed him before pulling up a chair beside him.  
  
"Hi. Where's Mary Kathryn?" Jill asked curiously, looking around the backyard.  
  
"Eating dinner at the Gillis'," Mike answered.  
  
"Again? That's the third night this week. Mike, do you think she's okay with the baby? I mean, she just seems a little distant these days," Jill said.  
  
"She's fine, Jill. What did the doctor say? About the morning sickness, I mean," Mike clarified.  
  
"He said every pregnancy's different and everything's fine. He said he'll weigh about seven and a half pounds," Jill answered, smiling at him.  
  
Jill came into Mary Kate' bedroom that night to tuck her in. She decided to try to have a talk with her daughter. She sat on the edge of Mary Kate's bed and brushed her long hair over her shoulder. "I want to know if you're jealous about the baby," Jill ventured, watching her daughter's reaction very carefully.  
  
"I'm not jealous," Mary Kate quickly assured her mother.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, it's all right to feel jealousy. You've been the only child for a long time," Jill told her, straightening the blanket on the bed.  
  
"Thomas said you'd like the baby more because he's a boy. Daddy's already talking about taking him to Rams games and Dodgers games and other boy stuff," Mary Kate admitted, tears threatening her eyes.  
  
"Oh, Mary Kathryn, you're going to find out that your daddy and I'll have love enough for both you and your brother, just as Willie and Jennifer love Thomas and Natalie equally," Jill exclaimed, hugging Mary Kate to her.  
  
"Thomas doesn't think that. They're nicer to Natalie because she's a girl," Mary Kate informed her mother.  
  
"I think they pay more attention to Natalie because she's younger. Now, let's be honest here. Willie does a lot of things with Thomas, doesn't he? He coached his little league team and takes him skiing and other stuff that doesn't include Natalie, doesn't he?" Jill asked Mary Kate, who slowly nodded her head. "Okay, then. Your daddy loves you very much. He was so proud the day you were born. Now, I want you to lay down here and go to sleep and keep in mind that everything your buddy Thomas Gillis tells you is not necessarily true."  
  
"Can he still be my friend?" Mary Kate asked as she lay down under the covers.  
  
"Of course he can still be your friend, but if you have any doubts about anything, come ask me or your daddy. Okay?" Jill asked, kissing her on the forehead.  
  
"Okay. Can I say goodnight to MJ, too?" Mary Kate asked, sitting up and placing her hand on Jill's stomach. "He sure kicks a lot."  
  
"I know, but so did you. Now, go to sleep," Jill said, going to the door and turning out the light.  
  
But as Jill returned to hers' and Mike's bedroom, she silently rubbed her stomach in concentration. MJ did move a lot, but not nearly as much as Mary Kate had at that stage in the pregnancy. Jill figured maybe it was because he was bigger and there wasn't as much room, but it still nagged at her. Mike had gone to work the night shift but Jill resolved to speak to him about spending a lot of extra time with his daughter before the baby arrived.  
  
  
  
Jill had a doctor's appointment in early March, about two weeks before the baby was due. She hoped the doctor wasn't going to do an internal examination, because she was extremely uncomfortable. Her feet were incredibly swollen, which was the normal swelling of late pregnancy, unlike the pre-eclampsia swelling she'd experienced during her pregnancy with Mary Kate.  
  
She was lying on the examining table when the doctor and his nurse walked in, Dr. Miller whistling cheerfully, as usual.  
  
"Good afternoon, Jill. How're we feeling today?" Dr. Miller asked, washing his hands.  
  
"Tired," Jill replied.  
  
"Well, we'll see about how much longer you've got to go. From the looks of you, it could be any day," Dr. Miller smiled, lifting up the paper gown and putting his stethoscope to his ears. "Let's have a listen to this baby, shall we?"  
  
Jill tried to lay as quietly as possible while Dr. Miller listened to the baby's heartbeat. He moved the stethoscope around her abdomen, trying to find the baby's heartbeat. Jill was watching his face when she saw him frown.  
  
"What's wrong?" Jill asked, her voice quiet.  
  
"I want you to lay on your left side, Jill. Sometimes, the baby hides and that makes it hard to detect a heartbeat," the doctor said, as he and his nurse assisted Jill in lying on her left side. Once again, he tried to find a heartbeat without success. "Let's go get the ultrasound. Jill, when's the last time you felt the baby move?"  
  
"Earlier this morning. Why? What's wrong?" Jill asked in a panic stricken voice.  
  
"Maybe nothing, but let's get some ultrasound pictures. He might just be hiding from me. Like I said, they sometimes do that late in the pregnancy," he repeated calmly as the nurse rolled the ultrasound machine into the room and hooked it up.  
  
"What if he isn't hiding?" Jill asked as the doctor applied the gel to her abdomen.  
  
"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," the doctor hedged as he ran the wand over Jill's abdomen.  
  
Jill felt the bile rising into her throat as the image came onto the video monitor. There was no movement...no heartbeat, nothing. She felt like screaming as she saw the look of sadness on Dr. Miller's face.  
  
"How? When? He was fine this morning! I felt him move!" Jill screamed at him.  
  
"Jill, I'm so sorry. These things happen sometimes. No one really knows why," he said as he quietly turned the machine off and wiped the gel from her abdomen.  
  
"Is that all you have to say? These things happen?! Is that what I'm supposed to tell my husband and my daughter? What am I supposed to do now?" Jill asked, tears streaming down her face.  
  
"You have two options here. You can wait until you go into labor naturally or you can go next door to Memorial right now and be induced," Dr. Miller told her.  
  
"I have to go through a normal delivery? Why isn't a c-section an option?" Jill asked in horror.  
  
"Jill, you're a nurse. You've seen this type of thing happen before. Unless your life's in danger, we can't do a c-section. The risk of infection is too high. I know this is painful but you have to do this. Do you want to call Mike and talk to him?" Dr. Miller asked.  
  
"No, I can't talk to him. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to him." Jill stammered in a devastated voice, sobbing into her hands.  
  
"What're you going to do?" He pressed.  
  
"I can't wait until my labor starts. I can't go through two weeks knowing my son is dead!" Jill continued crying.  
  
"Are you going to be able to get to Memorial okay or do you want me to call someone to walk over there with you?" Dr. Miller asked her.   
  
"No, I'll manage," Jill said, still sobbing. "Can you call Mike and tell him I've gone to the hospital?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll call Mike. Do you want me to talk to him when he gets to the hospital or do you want to tell him?" Dr. Miller asked sympathetically.  
  
"I can't talk to him. I don't know what to tell him," Jill said, trying to get herself under some kind of control.  
  
"Okay, I'll talk to him," Dr. Miller assured her.  
  
  
  
Mike was at his desk when his phone rang. "Danko!" He said into the phone.  
  
"Sgt. Danko, this is Dr. Miller. Jill's at Memorial Hospital right now and she wanted me to call you," Dr. Miller said as calmly as possible.  
  
"Okay, tell her I'll be there as soon as I can," Mike said, hanging up the phone.  
  
Terry and Willie were just coming into the precinct when they saw Mike running out.  
  
"Hey, Mike! What's the hurry?" Terry asked as Mike rushed by him.  
  
"Dr. Miller just called! Jill's having the baby!" Mike yelled over his shoulder.  
  
"Keep us posted!" Willie called after him.  
  
At the hospital they had started Jill on an IV of Pitocin to start her contractions. She was lying in bed when there was a knock on her door. She looked up as the door opened and the hospital chaplain walked in.  
  
"Dr. Miller asked me to come talk to you," the chaplain offered, pulling up a chair.  
  
"Did he tell you that my baby died?" Jill asked, bursting into tears again.  
  
"I'm so sorry. He said your husband should be here soon. Do you want me to come back when he gets here so I can talk to both of you?" He asked.  
  
"I don't know what I'm going to tell him. We've been wanting this baby for such a long time," she continued crying.  
  
"I understand you have another child," he said, his eyes compassionate.  
  
"A daughter, Mary Kathryn. She's almost seven," Jill smiled through her tears.  
  
"You'll find that in this time of great grief, Mary Kathryn will be a great comfort to you and your husband, just as you'll be a great comfort to her," the chaplain advised.  
  
"I don't understand why this happened," Jill sobbed.  
  
"I'm not going to sit here and give you the 'God has a plan' speech, because I know you don't want to hear that right now. I'll be here to comfort you and your husband if you need it. Is it all right if I come back later?" He asked her.   
  
"Yes. What's your name?" Jill asked him.  
  
"Father Ryan," he smiled at her.  
  
"Thank you, Father," Jill said as he squeezed her hand.  
  
  
  
Mike ran onto the maternity ward looking for Jill. He was surprised when the nurse told him she'd page Dr. Miller. Mike figured maybe Jill had already gone into the delivery room. After all, she'd told him that the second baby was always born faster than the first, even if there were several years between them. Mike was pacing nervously at the nurses' station when Dr. Miller approached him. This was one part of his job that he didn't like having to do.  
  
"Mike, let's go over here and talk," Dr. Miller suggested, leading Mike over to the vacant waiting area where he motioned for him to sit down.  
  
"What's going on?" Mike asked suspiciously. "Where's Jill?"  
  
"Jill came into my office this afternoon for her regular appointment. While I was doing the pre-natal examination, I couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat. " He put his hand on Mike's shoulder compassionately. "Mike, I'm sorry, but there wasn't anything on the ultrasound."  
  
"What exactly are you saying?" Mike asked in a stunned voice.  
  
"The baby passed away, Mike. We're not exactly sure when," Dr. Miller told him.  
  
"Oh, God. What's going to happen now?" Mike asked.  
  
"I admitted Jill. I've started her on Pitocin to start her contractions so I can go ahead and deliver the baby. Her only other option was to wait for her labor to start on its own in the next couple of weeks. She didn't want to do that," Dr. Miller said sympathetically.  
  
"I can't say that I blame her," Mike said in a quiet voice.  
  
"No, I don't blame her, either. Mike, first off, I want to tell you how sorry I am. Nobody knows why these things sometimes happen. If you and Jill want, I can find out what happened. Also her labor is probably going to take a long time," Dr. Miller said.  
  
"How long?" Mike asked.  
  
"It could take as long as three days. In a normal labor and delivery, the mother has the baby to help with the birth process. In this case, Jill has to do it on her own. It's going to be a long and very painful process," Dr. Miller told him.  
  
"Can I go in to see her now?" Mike asked tonelessly.  
  
"Of course. I had the hospital chaplain come in to talk to her. I hope you don't mind," Dr. Miller continued as they walked down the hall.  
  
"No, I don't mind. You said something about trying to find out what happened. I'll have to talk to Jill about that," Mike said.  
  
"I know the idea of performing an autopsy on a baby is appalling at this point, but it might be the only way we can determine what happened," the doctor explained.  
  
"Like I said, I need to talk to Jill, first. Please take me to her," Mike insisted, fighting tears.  
  
Jill was lying in the hospital bed, tears running down her face. Her right hand had an IV with the Pitocin running through it. She was experiencing intermittent contractions, which only lent more credence to her sadness. The door quietly opened and Mike walked in, followed by Dr. Miller. Jill burst into hysterical sobs when she saw Mike. He quickly walked over to the bed and held her as tightly as he could.  
  
"Shh! It's going to be okay," he tried to assure her as tears choked his voice.  
  
"Mike, I'm so sorry," she sobbed, clinging tightly to him.  
  
"We'll get through this. I love you," he said as he gently stroked her back and hair.  
  
"Where's Mary Kathryn?" Jill asked in a panicked voice.  
  
"She's with Willie and Jennifer. Do you want me to call them?" Mike asked her.  
  
"No. Call Terry first and tell him. I don't want you to tell Willie over the phone. I don't want Mary Kathryn to overhear. If you tell Terry, he can go over and pull Willie and Jen off to one side. I don't want them telling Mary Kathryn. Make them promise," Jill begged. "Also, call Eddie and Trap."  
  
"You want me to call all of them now?" Mike asked in surprise.  
  
"Yes. I'll be all right. Nothing's going to happen for a long time. Did Dr. Miller explain that to you?" Jill asked hesitantly.  
  
"Yeah, babe. He told me. Okay, I'll go call Terry and Ryker, then I'll come back," he gently kissed her on the forehead as she lay back against the pillows and turned away from him.  
  
  
  
Terry and Serena were getting ready to sit down to dinner when the phone rang.  
  
"I'll get it! It's probably Mike!" Terry yelled as he ran to get the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"Terry, it's me," Mike said in a voice so low Terry had to strain to hear him.  
  
"Hey, I was just telling Serena it was probably you. So, give me the stats. Weight, length, all that stuff," Terry laughed.  
  
"Terry, hold on. I can't go into all of the details over the phone, so please listen to me carefully. Something happened. The baby died," Mike answered, barely able to get the words out.  
  
"Mike, what're you talking about?" Terry asked, almost dropping the phone.  
  
"You need to go to Willie's and let him know that I'm going to be here for a while. Tell him what I just told you, but don't let him tell Mary Kate. Do you hear me? Don't let him tell Mary Kate," Mike pleaded, desperation creeping into his voice.  
  
"I'll tell him. Mike, are you okay? Is there anything we can do?" Terry asked his friend.  
  
"No. I need to get back to Jill. I'll call you back when I know more," Mike promised, hanging up the phone and burying his face in his hands.  
  
"Mike-" Terry started to say as the line went dead. Serena came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to face her. "Mike was saying that the baby died."  
  
"What? Oh God, Terry, no! Did he say what happened?" She asked in horror, tears coming to her eyes.  
  
"No. Look, I need to go over to Willie and Jen's and let them know what's going on, then I think I'm going to head over to the hospital," he said, grabbing his car keys.  
  
"Terry, wait! I'll go with you," she offered.  
  
"No, stay here. I'll call you later," he said, walking out the front door.  
  
Willie was in the front yard playing tag with the three kids when Terry pulled up in his Mustang.   
  
"Willie, I need to talk to you," Terry called out desperately, walking into the yard. "Without the audience."  
  
"Hey, Thomas, why don't you guys go see if your mom's started dinner?" Willie suggested as the three kids ran into the house. "What's going on?"  
  
"Mike called me a few minutes ago. He was only on the phone a few minutes. I can only tell you what he told me. The baby died. I don't know any more than that," Terry explained, noting the terror stricken expression on Willie's face. "He said whatever you do, don't tell Mary Kate. I'm going to go up to the hospital."  
  
"Wait and I'll go with you," Willie promised, grabbing him by the arm. "I just need to change clothes first."  
  
"No! Willie, if you go, Mary Kate'll know something's wrong. I'll go and I'll keep you posted," Terry promised as he walked back to his car.  
  
Willie watched as his partner drove off before walking slowly back to the house. The kids were in the kitchen where Jennifer was getting ready to cook dinner. "Hey, I've got an idea," Willie suggested in a monotone.   
  
The kids and Jen looked at him in amazement.   
  
"Why don't we order a pizza?" Willie continued, still stunned by the news he'd just received.  
  
"Pizza's for Friday nights, William. You know that," Jennifer began uncertainly, giving him a reproachful look as the kids let out disappointed groans.  
  
"I know, but I thought since Mary Kate's going to be spending the night, pizza would just be easier," Willie explained.  
  
"Who said Mary Kate was spending the night?" Jennifer asked, studying her husband closely. She knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what. "Jill could have the baby at any time."   
  
"Thomas, why don't you and Mary Kate take Natalie out in the backyard until dinner's ready," Willie suggested, opening the back door for the three kids.  
  
"William, what's going on?" Jennifer asked suspiciously as the kids disappeared into the backyard.  
  
"Terry was just here. Mike called him a few minutes ago and told him that the baby died. I don't know any more than that. Terry's on his way up to the hospital now," Willie explained in a monotone, taking Jennifer into his arms as she began to cry. "You need to get yourself together. Mike doesn't want us telling Mary Kate. We have to act normal."  
  
"Willie, they'd been wanting this baby for so long!" She exclaimed, trying to stifle her sobs.  
  
"I know. Look, let's order a pizza. If nothing else, at least the kids'll eat," he said, picking up the phone.  
  
  
  
After calling Terry, Mike had called Ryker, who had immediately driven up to the hospital. He was sitting in the waiting area when Terry showed up.  
  
"Sir? Where's Mike?" Terry asked, looking around anxiously.  
  
"In room 718. You can let him know you're here, but he won't let you stay in the room. I've already tried," Ryker said.   
  
"Thank you," Terry said, walking toward the room.  
  
Jill was having regular, steady contractions but she wasn't dilating. The nurse offered to break her water to speed things up but Jill refused. Mike didn't understand why she was prolonging what he considered to be the inevitable. He looked up as he heard a light tap on the door. Terry opened the door slightly and stuck his head in.  
  
"I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm here if you need anything," Terry stated quietly.  
  
"Thanks, Terry. We appreciate it," Mike said, forcing a smile.  
  
Dr. Miller came in a short time later to examine Jill so Mike stepped out of the room. Jill flinched as the doctor did his exam.  
  
"Jill, would you like an epidural? It'll make you more comfortable and you might be able to get some rest," the doctor offered.  
  
"Do you really think I'm going to be able to rest?" Jill asked in a bitter voice.  
  
"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just trying to help you with the physical pain," the doctor explained compassionately.  
  
"I know. I'll let you know about the epidural," Jill promised quietly.  
  
"Okay," the doctor said reluctantly, leaving the room and closing the door.  
  
Mike was sitting in the waiting room with Terry and Ryker. He couldn't believe how this day had turned into such a nightmare. He rubbed his hands across his face wearily.  
  
"You're going to get through this, Danko," Ryker stated, placing a gentle hand on Mike's shoulder.  
  
"I know, but right now it sure doesn't feel like it," Mike admitted.  
  
The rest of the night seemed endless. Jill continued to have steady contractions all through the night. They didn't start to get unbearably painful until early morning after one of the nurses turned up the Pitocin to try to speed things up. Mike was sitting on the hospital bed holding Jill against him, helping her breathe.  
  
"Mike?" Jill whispered in the early morning stillness.  
  
"What?"   
  
"Can you tell someone that I think I'm ready for that epidural," Jill said, gritting her teeth as another contraction gripped her.  
  
Mike went out and told the nurse, who came in to examine Jill to see if she'd dilated enough for the epidural.  
  
"Can I have the epidural? Please?" Jill begged.  
  
"Yeah, you can have the epidural. Let me page the anesthesiologist," the nurse told her.  
  
"How much am I dilated?" Jill asked her.  
  
"You're at three," the nurse replied.  
  
Jill let out a groan as the nurse left the room. She might as well have said one. A few minutes later, Mike came back into the room and resumed his position behind Jill on the bed.  
  
"You should get some sleep," Jill told him, taking his hand.  
  
"I'll sleep later. So, are you going to get the epidural?" Mike asked her.  
  
"Yeah. I'm a whole three centimeters, the minimum I can be at to get the epidural. Mike, I've been thinking," she panted, breathing through another contraction.  
  
"About what?" He asked quietly, brushing a stray hair out of her eyes.  
  
"Well, with what's happened, I don't think it'd be right to name the baby Michael, Jr.," she explained, looking into his eyes.  
  
"Jill, we can talk about this later," Mike pleaded. He wasn't able to deal with this subject right now.  
  
"Mike, please just hear me out! You should have a living son named after you," she reasoned as tears began running down her face.  
  
Mike held her tightly to him and tried to comfort her.   
  
"Hi, I'm Dr. Kincaid," the doctor greeted as he walked into the room and towards her bed with his cart. "I understand you want an epidural."  
  
"Yes, I definitely want an epidural," Jill told him firmly.  
  
"Okay, we can do this one of two ways. You can either sit up and bend forward or you can lie on your left side and curl up as tightly as you can. First I'll numb the area where I'll put the catheter in, then I'll insert the catheter. After that, you'll be numb from the waist down and you'll just feel the pressure of the contractions," Dr. Kincaid explained as he prepared everything.  
  
Jill forced herself to roll on her side as she gripped both of Mike's hands.   
  
"Let me know if you get light headed or get a funny taste in your mouth," Dr. Kincaid advised as he inserted the catheter. "The actual epidural should take effect in about 15 or 20 minutes, then after that your labor and delivery should be a piece of cake," he assured her. "You might even be able to sleep between contractions."  
  
Within the estimated 15 minutes, Jill was numb from the waist down. She was glad the anesthesiologist didn't know about the baby. She couldn't stand the pity. The looks she was getting from the nurses who came in was bad enough.  
  
The rest of the morning and the afternoon stretched out endlessly. Dr. Miller came in twice an hour to see how Jill was progressing. By mid-afternoon she was dilated up to seven.  
  
"How much longer?" She asked in exhaustion as the doctor finished examining her.  
  
"You should be delivering by this evening, early tomorrow morning at the latest. Mike said he was going to talk to you about finding out what caused this," the doctor said as he removed his gloves and washed his hands.  
  
"You mean an autopsy? No! I can't even deal with the thought of someone cutting my baby open. I don't want to know if that's my only other option," Jill exclaimed shakily, trying not to cry.  
  
"Okay, Jill," Dr. Miller reassured her quickly, patting her shoulder. The last thing she needed right now was more stress. "Look, this is something we can discuss later. Is there anything you want to ask me?"   
  
"I've only been at one delivery where the baby was stillborn and I remember that baby was born too early. Is he...is he...what is he going to look like?" Jill forced the words out.  
  
"He'll probably just appear to have gone to sleep. But his skin might be soft and it might peel away, but that's not for certain. If you want, you and Mike can hold him and spend as much time with him as you'd like. Nobody will come in and take him from you until you're ready to give him up," the doctor told her.  
  
"Thank you," Jill whispered.  
  
"For what?" The doctor asked in surprise.  
  
"For actually acting like you're sorry this has happened," Jill explained quietly.  
  
"I'm not acting, Jill. I AM sorry. Let me go send Mike back in," he suggested as he walked out the door. Mike was talking to Terry and Ryker when the doctor approached them. "You can go back in. I told her it'll be sometime tonight or early tomorrow morning."  
  
"Thank you," Mike said as the doctor walked off.  
  
Mike went back in and continued sitting with Jill the rest of the afternoon and into that evening. The anesthesiologist came in that evening to put more medicine in her catheter. The contractions became stronger and closer together as the night wore on. Dr. Miller came in at 10 p.m. to examine her again. Her water broke during the exam but he also gave her the words she'd been dreading for the last day and a half.  
  
"You're up to ten. I'm going to move you to the delivery room now. Let me go get Mike and I'll call the OR, just in case we need it," Dr. Miller explained gently, leaving the room.  
  
The doctor walked out and explained to Mike what was going on. " Mike, the baby hasn't moved down much, so it's going to be a long pushing phase. I also told her earlier that afterwards you can both spend as much time with the baby as you want. Nobody's going to disturb you or try to take him from you until you're ready," Dr. Miller assured him.  
  
"Thank you," Mike said quietly.  
  
In the delivery room they gave Mike a pair of scrubs and got everything ready. The pushing seemed to last forever. Jill didn't think she'd ever been more exhausted in her life. Every time she wanted to stop, Dr. Miller, Mike and the nurses encouraged her that she had to do this. Finally, after over three long hours of pushing the doctor told her that the baby was crowning. Jill was afraid to look at him as the doctor gently pulled him from her body. She kept hoping that this was all a bad dream... that he'd suddenly start crying, but the room was too still, too quiet. Mike and Jill were both crying as the nurses took the baby and cleaned him up while the doctor attended to Jill. After several minutes, one of the nurses brought him over, wrapped in a patterned baby blanket.  
  
"Do you want to hold him?" The nurse asked gently, tears running down her face.  
  
"Oh, yes," Jill sobbed as the nurse placed his tiny body in her arms. The nurse raised the head of the bed up so Jill could hold him more comfortably. She pulled the blanket away from his face so they could get a better look at him. Dr. Miller had been right. He did just seem to be sleeping.  
  
"He looks like Mary Kate," Mike whispered brokenly as Jill carefully unwrapped the rest of the blanket so they could look at him.  
  
"He's so perfect," Jill whispered, touching his tiny fingers and toes.  
  
"Jill, Mike, there was a knot in his umbilical cord. That's what caused his death. It cut off his oxygen supply," Dr. Miller explained.  
  
"Are you sure?" Jill asked.  
  
"Positive. Now, we're going to leave you alone. Take your time and just let one of us know when you're ready for us to take him," the doctor said, motioning to the rest of the staff.  
  
"Mike, do you want to hold him?" Jill asked.  
  
Mike silently nodded as Jill handed the baby over to him. He sat down on a stool and examined the baby. He kept expecting him to start kicking his legs or start crying. Mike gently touched his dark hair, marveling at how much he looked like his sister as a baby.  
  
"I had a younger brother. He was a year younger than me. When I was three years old he died. His name was Matthew. I remember someone telling me that the name Matthew means 'Gift From God.' I know you don't want to call him 'Michael, Jr.' now, but how do you feel about the name Matthew?" Mike asked as Jill watched him.  
  
"Matthew's a beautiful name, Mike. And, he is a gift from God. Mike, if you want to show him to Terry and Lt. Ryker, that'll be all right," Jill suggested as tears began snaking down her face once again.   
  
"No, as selfish as this might sound, I think I want to keep him all to ourselves. Jill, what are we going to tell Mary Kate?" Mike asked.  
  
"The truth, Mike. If you sugar coat it, she's going to hear about it from someone else," Jill told him.  
  
There was a light tap on the door and Father Ryan walked in. "I hope you don't mind if I stop by."  
  
"No," Jill said. "Father Ryan, this is my husband, Mike. Mike, this is Father Ryan."  
  
"Mr. Danko," Father Ryan said, shaking Mike's hand. "I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances."  
  
"So am I," Mike said. "We were wondering if you'd be willing to baptize our son."  
  
"I'd be honored. What's your son's name?" Father Ryan asked.  
  
"His name's Matthew," Mike whispered.  
  
After Father Ryan baptized Matthew, Mike and Jill held him and talked to him and cried over him for the next couple of hours, until they finally decided that it was time to let him go. They cried in each other's arms as Dr. Miller came in to take him. Mike went down to talk to the guys while they moved Jill to her room. Dr. Miller had given them all the information regarding the baby's weight and length and told them he'd make sure they got the certificate with his footprints on it.  
  
Terry and Ryker looked up as the elevator opened and Mike stepped off of it, his eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot.  
  
"How's Jill?" Terry asked him.  
  
"Tired. They're moving her to a room right now. I told her I'd see her before I go talk to Mary Kate. I don't know what I'm going to tell her," Mike concluded bitterly as tears choked his voice.  
  
"Do you want us to come with you?" Ryker offered sympathetically.  
  
"Yeah, come with me to Willie and Jen's, but I have to tell her on my own," Mike said, grateful for the offer. "Oh, we named him Matthew. Jill didn't want to name him Michael, Jr. in light of...well, in light of everything."  
  
  
  
Willie and Jen had sat up all night long, waiting for some word from Terry regarding the baby. The kids had known something was going on, but Willie had assured them that everything was fine. Now, it was almost nine o'clock and the kids had just gotten up. They were in the kitchen arguing over breakfast cereal when Willie saw Mike's car pull up, followed by Terry's Mustang and Ryker's Bronco.  
  
Willie answered the door before Mike had a chance to ring the bell. Not knowing what to say, he put a hand on Mike's shoulder and squeezed it. Mike looked at him and nodded in understanding.  
  
"The kids are in the kitchen," Willie said, letting the three men into the house.  
  
Mike rubbed his hands over his face before heading toward the kitchen and facing his daughter. Mary Kate was sitting at the kitchen table with Thomas and Natalie, eating Cheerios and giggling over kids stuff. She looked up when Mike entered the room.  
  
"Daddy!" She exclaimed in delight as she jumped out of her chair and ran into his arms. "I didn't think you'd ever get here!"  
  
Mike scooped her up into his arms and held her as tightly as he could, never wanting to let her go. After several minutes, Mary Kate pulled away and looked into his eyes.  
  
"Daddy, what's the matter?" She asked, seeing the sad look in his eyes.  
  
"Let's go somewhere and talk," he suggested quietly, carrying her from the room and walking upstairs to Willie and Jen's bedroom. When they got there, he sat her on the bed and kneeled down on the floor in front of her. Taking her tiny hand in his, he looked at her expectant face. "I have something to tell you and I don't want you to interrupt me until I finish. Early this morning, mommy had your baby brother. But something happened and the baby died."  
  
Mary Kate stared at her father in confusion. What was he talking about? Babies weren't supposed to die, were they? "Couldn't the doctor fix him?"  
  
"No, sweetie. The doctor couldn't fix him. I'm sure he would've if he were able, but there wasn't anything he could do," Mike continued, determined not to break down in front of his daughter while he watched the expression on Mary Kate's face.  
  
"Why did he die, daddy? He was just a baby! He didn't do anything bad," Mary Kate protested as tears filled her blue-green eyes and rolled down her cheeks.  
  
"Oh, sweetie, he didn't die because of anything he did. I don't want you to ever think that," he exclaimed, wiping the tears from her face.  
  
"Is mommy going to die, too?" She asked in terror, bursting into hysterical tears as Mike picked her up and held her against him.  
  
"No, baby. Mommy's going to be okay. She'll be home in a couple of days," Mike held her and tried to quiet her tears.  
  
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Mike had called his parents and told them what had happened, then he sat down and began to make funeral arrangements, something he never dreamed he'd be doing for a baby. Everybody had congregated at Mike and Jill's house. Jennifer and Serena were doing their best to keep the children out from underfoot.  
  
Mike had gone to visit Jill that afternoon. She told him they were going to release her the next morning.  
  
"So soon?" Mike asked, alarmed.  
  
"Yeah, they don't keep maternity cases in any longer than they have to. Have you made the arrangements?" She asked him softly.  
  
"Yeah. The funeral's Friday morning at 10 a.m. I told my parents that we had him baptized," Mike said, not looking Jill in the eye.  
  
"Why would you tell them that? I mean, I know we did, but it's not like he was going to go to hell if we didn't, Mike," Jill demanded, her voice rising.  
  
"I don't know why. They wanted to take Mary Kate home with them but I told them no," he said, when he saw the anger in Jill's eyes.  
  
"Is she okay?" Jill asked in a quieter voice.  
  
"Yeah, she doesn't understand, but then, neither do I," Mike answered with a bitter smile.  
  
When Jill came home the next day she went to bed and stayed there. She could hear Mary Kate and Thomas playing in Mary Kate's room. She thought how easy it was to be a child and continue on with your daily life. At the moment she felt like she was going to die. She couldn't bear to walk near the baby's room. She didn't want to talk to anybody and she didn't want to see anyone. She just wanted to be left alone.  
  
  
Mike was on the phone the next morning when his oldest sister walked into the house on the pretense of getting Mary Kate a dress for the funeral.  
  
Mary Kate was playing checkers in the living room with Thomas when her aunt walked into the room. She made a face as her Aunt Claudia silently beckoned her to follow her upstairs. Claudia marched over to the closet and began picking through Mary Kate's dresses. After finding what she deemed to be a suitable mourning dress, she glanced over at her young niece in distaste. Mary Kate was dressed in a mismatched pair of shorts and blouse, her tangled brown hair loose and flowing. Claudia searched until she found some clothes that matched and made Mary Kate change into them. She then took a hairbrush and literally attacked the tangled mess.  
  
"I think someone should really consider taking a pair of scissors and cutting some of this mess off," Claudia complained, yanking on the snarls in Mary Kate's hair.  
  
"My daddy likes my hair just the way it is," Mary Kate stated sharply, feeling as if her head was going to be snapped off of her shoulders any minute.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, how'd you like to come to San Francisco? We can go to Fisherman's Wharf and to Ghiardelli's and maybe even the zoo," Claudia suggested.  
  
"No, my mommy wouldn't let me go. She doesn't like you," Mary Kate said with the total honesty of a child.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, you do know that your mommy is very sick. I don't think she's going to get better," Claudia explained.  
  
"She's not sick. She's just asleep," Mary Kate corrected quickly. "Daddy said it's because she's sad. I'm going to go find my daddy," Mary Kate concluded in a terrified voice, running out of the room.  
  
Claudia wasn't aware of the fact that Jill, lying in the room across the hall, heard every word of what Claudia was saying to Mary Kathryn. She waited until she heard Claudia go downstairs before getting up and putting her robe on.  
  
Mike was still on the phone when Claudia walked up to him, not knowing that Jill was standing at the top of the stairs. "Michael, I think it'd be a good idea if Mary Kathryn stayed with Pop and Mama until after the funeral. I mean, you're too busy to keep an eye on her and it's almost indecent to expect your male friends to do your job. I mean, what would people think?" Claudia explained coldly as everybody in the room stared at her in disbelief.  
  
Terry happened to glance up the stairs just in time to see a Jill he barely recognized coming slowly down the stairs. She had huge purplish circles under her eyes, but what was worse than that was her face. Terry could see that she was extremely angry. He sensed what she was about to say before the words left her mouth.  
  
"Claudia, you're not taking Mary Kathryn anywhere!" Jill corrected in a furious voice "Give me her things and leave! Now, Claudia! Get the hell out of my house!"   
  
"Jill-" Claudia began to explain.  
  
"Claudia, it's okay," Mike interjected hastily, hanging up the phone. "Just go. Please. Mary Kate, why don't you and Thomas go outside and play? I'll come get you in a little while."   
  
The little girl looked from her mother to her father before Thomas took her by the hand and led her outside.   
  
Mike walked up to Jill and took her by the arm. "Come on, baby. Let's go back upstairs."  
  
"Mike, don't let them take Mary Kathryn away!" She pleaded desperately, yanking her arm away. "If they take her, I'll never see her again! She's all we have left!"  
  
"Baby, don't worry," he reassured her quickly, gathering her in his arms and stroking her tenderly. "Nobody's going to take Mary Kate anywhere, I promise. Come on, let me get you back upstairs."   
  
Mike led Jill back to their bedroom and sat by her bedside until she drifted back to sleep. When he looked toward the doorway Mary Kate was standing there.   
  
Mike beckoned her over to the bed.   
  
She slowly walked over and there watching her mother. "Daddy, is mommy crazy?" Mary Kate whispered in fear.  
  
"No, sweetie. Mommy's not crazy. She's just very upset right now and the doctor's given her some medicine that makes her act different. She'll be fine soon," Mike assured her.  
  
"Daddy, is Auntie Claudia going to take me away?" Mary Kate asked nervously, grabbing his hand.  
  
"No, where'd you get that idea?" Mike asked, stunned.  
  
"I don't know. I just thought that maybe I wouldn't get to live with you and mommy anymore," Mary Kate continued to whisper.  
  
"Sweetie, you're always going to live with mommy and me. You're our little girl. Nobody's going to change that," Mike promised, kissing and hugging her. "Why don't you go play with Thomas?"  
  
After playing with Thomas in the tree house for a while, Mary Kate came back into the house. Mike was in the living room with the guys when Mary Kate went upstairs. When she walked by her parent's bedroom she crept into the room and stood by the bed beside Jill.  
  
Jill woke up to find herself looking into eyes that were exact replicas of Mike's. "Where's daddy?" Jill whispered in a dazed voice.  
  
"Downstairs with everybody else. Aunt Claudia tried to take me away. I'm scared of her," Mary Kate stated matter-of-factly.  
  
"You don't have to be afraid of her. She's not taking you anywhere," Jill promised, sitting up.  
  
"I'm glad, because I don't want to live with her," Mary Kate said.  
  
The next morning Jill was barely together enough to get herself dressed, much less Mary Kate, so while Mike was trying to get himself and Jill ready, the task of getting Mary Kate ready fell on Terry's girlfriend, Serena, who didn't have the first clue as to how to dress a child. Unfortunately, the dress Claudia had found for her was almost too small and it had lace around the neck and the sleeves. She kept wiggling and sticking her fingers under her collar.   
  
Serena felt like she was dressing an octopus. "Mary Kate, would you please be still! I'm new at this!" Serena begged.  
  
"I hate this dress! It always makes me itch!" Mary Kate whined.  
  
"Put your shoes and socks on, then I'll comb your hair," Serena said.  
  
"You'd better braid it. Mommy always braids it," Mary Kate told her.  
  
"I don't have time to braid your hair. Come on, Mary Kate, we don't have all morning," Serena pleaded as Mary Kate dawdled.  
  
  
  
Jill didn't remember much about funeral and she didn't notice the way Mary Kate looked. If she had, she would've fixed the situation. At the church, Jill was sitting beside Mike with Mary Kate on her other side. She was clutching Mike's hand so tightly that his fingers were turning white. Mary Kate fidgeted beside Jill, sticking her fingers inside the collar of the dress. She kept this up until she suddenly felt Jill's dark brown eyes fixed firmly on her. Jill didn't say a word to her. She didn't need to. The look was enough to make Mary Kate freeze. She decided to move on the other side of her father next to her grandparents. Jill suddenly grabbed her by the arm when she was walking by.  
  
"Sit down! Now!" Jill said in a furious whisper. "Mary Kathryn, don't make me have to deal with you today! Not here and not now!"  
  
Mary Kate looked toward her father, hoping for some kind of assistance from him, but Mike acted as if he hadn't heard anything. Mary Kate sat down, not understanding any of what was going on. She'd never been so confused in her young life. She didn't know what she was supposed to do.  
  
Jill and Mike had asked Father Ryan to speak at the services since he'd been the one to baptize the baby. He walked up to the pulpit and opened his Bible. After reading a few Bible verses, he looked at the front row where the family was sitting. "I didn't know Mike and Jill before Monday. Dr. Miller came up to me and asked me if I'd please speak to one of his patients. He'd just admitted her to the hospital to have her labor induced because she'd just learned that her baby was stillborn. She explained to me that her and her husband had a six-year-old daughter named Mary Kathryn. She told me that they'd been wanting this baby for a long time. I told her that Mary Kathryn would be a great comfort to her parents in the awful days ahead as they would be a great comfort to her. After the baby was born, Mike asked me if I'd baptize their son. I told him I'd be honored. He said they chose the name Matthew, because it means 'Gift From God.' All children are gifts from God, but especially those that are chosen to return to Him early. Right now, the pain is more than you think you can possibly stand. But, in time, that pain will lessen and you'll have other children, but as you'll be blessed with these other children, you'll never forget the love that you felt for Matthew. Rest assured though in the knowledge that although you no longer have Matthew here with you, he is playing in Heaven's Playground with other Angels."   
  
Father Ryan shook hands with Mike, Jill and Mary Kathryn after the service. Then all the mourners came up to shake hands with all of them. After that they got into a limousine to go to the cemetery. Mary Kate sat across from her parents in the backseat of the limousine. It was the first limousine she'd ever been in and she looked around in awe.  
  
"Daddy? Daddy?" Mary Kate asked excitedly, finally getting Mike's attention.  
  
"What?" Mike asked wearily.  
  
"Why isn't there a TV or a bar in this limousine like there always is on TV?" Mary Kate asked curiously.  
  
"Mary Kate, please don't ask any questions," Mike pleaded in a tired voice.  
  
"But, daddy-" Mary Kate started to argue until she saw the hard look on Mike's face. She wished this day were over. She was tired of everybody ignoring her.  
  
PART THREE: MIKE   
  
The days following the funeral were a nightmare. Mike and Jill had to try to get back into a normal routine for Mary Kate's sake but it wasn't easy. Jill found herself literally having to force herself out of bed in the mornings to get Mary Kate dressed for school and herself ready for work. Her colleagues were all sympathetic about what she was going through, but it was clear from their demeanor that they didn't feel comfortable talking about the loss. And Mike wasn't much better. Every time Jill wanted to discuss the baby he'd make an excuse about Mary Kate coming into the room or think of some other reason not to discuss what had happened.  
  
About 10 days after Matthew's death, Jill received the packet in the mail containing the baby's footprints. She knew they wouldn't receive a birth certificate since Matthew had never drawn breath and the death certificate could take another three months to arrive. Jill sat in a chair and examined the sheet of paper with the tiny footprints on it. She decided to hunt for a frame and put it on the fireplace mantel beside the framed sheet with Mary Kate's footprints.  
  
Mike was working that evening. Jill fell asleep waiting for him to get home. She was sound asleep when she felt someone prodding her on the arm. She woke up to find Mary Kate standing beside the bed in her nightgown, her long brown curls a tangled mess down her back. Jill sat up and turned on the lamp.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, what's the matter?" Jill asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes.  
  
"I had a bad dream. Can I sleep in here?" The little girl asked tearfully.  
  
Normally Jill didn't allow Mary Kate to sleep in their bed, but she didn't have the heart to send her back to her room. She pulled the covers back on Mike's side of the bed and Mary Kate crawled under the covers gratefully. She immediately curled into a ball and balled both fists under her chin. Jill lay there watching her sleep, wondering if her heart was ever going to stop hurting.  
  
Mike got home shortly after midnight. The first thing he noticed when he walked into the living room was the framed picture of Matthew's footprints. He wondered if Jill was trying to torture him. He couldn't bear to talk about the loss of his son. These days he couldn't bear to talk about much of anything. He put his keys on the fireplace mantel and slowly walked upstairs to his and Jill's bedroom. He stopped in the doorway when he saw Mary Kate soundly sleeping on his side of the bed.   
  
Jill woke up and sat up when she heard him enter the room.  
  
"Why's she sleeping in our bed? I thought you didn't like her sleeping in here," Mike asked harshly, walking toward the bed.  
  
"She had a bad dream. She was so frightened that I couldn't send her back to her room," Jill explained patiently.  
  
"I'll take her back to her room," Mike offered, gently scooping the sleeping child up in his arms.  
  
"Why? She'll probably just come back," Jill said.  
  
"No, she won't, because if she does I'll spank her," Mike explained firmly, defiantly walking out of the room.  
  
"God, Mike, you're not the only person in this house who's hurting," Jill whispered to herself as Mike left the room, wrapping her arms around herself tightly.  
  
Mike tucked Mary Kate into bed and came back into his and Jill's bedroom. Jill lay in bed watching as he got undressed. He then went in to brush his teeth before coming back into the bedroom, getting into bed and turning off the lamp.  
  
"She had a bad dream, Mike. She's just a little girl," Jill spoke softly in the darkness.  
  
"She knows better than sleeping in here. I thought you laid those ground rules down a long time ago," he retorted angrily.  
  
"Mike, she's scared and confused, just like the rest of us. She doesn't understand what's going on," Jill replied, reaching out to touch his shoulder.  
  
"And you think I do?" Mike shot back, shrugging away from her touch.  
  
"I didn't say that, but we're adults, Mike. We can cope better than a six-year-old can. Maybe you need to start trying to spend more time with her," Jill suggested.  
  
"Jill, I've been working 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Believe me, I'd love to spend more time with her, but right now there just aren't enough hours in the day," he explained harshly, punching his pillow and praying for sleep to overtake him. He didn't like where this conversation was going.  
  
"Yeah, well, I think you're avoiding her and avoiding me. You can't keep this up forever, Mike. You told me a long time ago about running and hiding," she snapped.  
  
"I'm not running and hiding. Look, it's been a long night. We could both use some sleep," Mike announced, hoping she'd get the hint and leave him alone.  
  
Jill lay in bed for a long time after Mike fell asleep. It was too soon to make love, but it would be nice to be held again...just to know that he still loved her. He'd barely touched her at all since the day of the funeral. Since that day he'd been going in ten thousand directions, avoiding her, their daughter and their friends, judging from the reports she'd been getting from the guys. He'd been getting by on two hours sleep or less every night and Jill wasn't sure how much more his body was going to be able to take before he collapsed from total exhaustion.  
  
  
The next morning, Mary Kate came downstairs to eat breakfast before going to school. She was surprised, yet pleased, to find her mother making pancakes. Pancakes were a treat usually reserved for Saturdays or birthdays. Mary Kate took her place at the table and picked up her glass of orange juice. "Is daddy coming down for breakfast?" Mary Kate asked.  
  
"No, he's still asleep, so you need to be quiet when you leave for school. Jen's going to be here in about half an hour," Jill explained quietly as she put Mary Kate's plate in front of her.  
  
"Mom, why doesn't daddy drive the car pool, anymore?" Mary Kate asked curiously as she put syrup on her pancakes.  
  
"Daddy's been busy and he leaves for work before you get out of school. When he starts working days again, I'm sure he'll be driving the car pool once again. Eat your breakfast now," Jill admonished her.  
  
"Can I go to Eddie's this weekend?" Mary Kate continued, her mouth full of pancakes.  
  
"We'll see and don't eat with your mouth full," Jill told her.  
  
Mary Kate was just finishing breakfast when they heard Jen's car in the driveway. Jill hurriedly cleaned Mary Kate's face before handing her books to her and hustling her out the door. She waved as Mary Kate got into the backseat beside Thomas. After closing the door, she walked over to the fireplace mantel and glanced at the two sets of framed footprints. She gently touched her fingertips to Matthew's frame, wishing with all of her heart that he was upstairs sleeping in the nursery.  
  
"I don't know why you put that up there," Mike said, coming down the stairs.  
  
"I put it up there because that's where it belongs," Jill retorted. "I made pancakes if you're hungry."  
  
"No, I just want coffee," Mike declined, walking into the kitchen as Jill followed him.  
  
"Mary Kathryn wanted to know when you were going to start driving the car pool again," Jill began, watching him put sugar in his coffee.  
  
"Jill, it's difficult to drive the car pool when I work from 3 to 11. I've already explained that to her," Mike replied.  
  
"Well, she also wanted to know if you were going to have breakfast with us. I'm tired of making excuses, Mike," Jill said, playing with the sugar bowl.  
  
"Then, stop making excuses. I never asked you to," Mike stated icily, glaring at her.  
  
"You know, your anger isn't going to bring Matthew back. All it's going to do is drive away the family you've got now," Jill answered tearfully.  
  
"Jill, I don't want to talk about this right now," Mike groaned, sighing wearily.  
  
"Then, when? In three years? Or five? Or, maybe when Mary Kathryn leaves home to go to college. Maybe we can discuss it then. I can't deal with this anymore, Mike!" She shouted as she got up from the table.  
  
"It's too raw and it's too soon and I don't want to be having this conversation right now. Can't you just leave it at that?" Mike exploded, rubbing his face.  
  
"I have to go to the store and get some things for dinner. I need the air," Jill exclaimed, grabbing her car keys from the hook by the refrigerator. "I'll be back in an hour or so."  
  
  
  
Mary Kate was on the playground with her friends when her sometime boyfriend Timmy Grayson came over with some of his friends.  
  
"Mary Kate, did you see your baby brother in his coffin?" Timmy asked her.  
  
"No, my mom and dad wouldn't let me. They said it was for the best," Mary Kate answered quietly, returning to the monkey bars with her friends.  
  
"I bet you were just afraid to see him. Afraid he'd look all gross and stuff," he taunted.  
  
"That's not true! Take it back!" Mary Kate screamed, jumping off the monkey bars and confronting the little boy.  
  
"Make me!" he yelled back.  
  
Before Mary Kate had time to think about the consequences she swung at the boy, hitting him squarely in the eye. The other kids on the playground quickly gathered around, yelling and cheering the two kids on. Within minutes, one of the teachers raced over and separated the two. Both children were bloody and battered but not seriously hurt. They were taken to the principal's office where both parent's were called. Mary Kate sat in the outer office hoping her mom came to school and not her dad. Timmy's parents showed up first. They were in the principal's office for several minutes before they both came out, dragging their son out by his hand, both of them yelling at once. A few minutes after that, the door opened and Mike walked in. He met his daughter's eyes with a look that spoke volumes. Mary Kate knew she was in big trouble. The principal came out and called Mike into the office first, asking Mary Kate to stay where she was. Mary Kate sat there, wondering if she had time to run away from home. A few minutes after that the principal ushered Mary Kate into his office and asked her to sit down.  
  
"I talked to Timmy Grayson and got his version of what happened, Mary Kate. Now, I'd like to get yours," the principal stated.  
  
"What did he tell you?" Mary Kate asked softly, staring at her shoes unhappily.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, give him your version of what happened. It doesn't matter what Timmy told him," Mike ground out through gritted teeth.  
  
"Nothing happened," Mary Kate answered, dragging her shoe along the ground.  
  
"What do you mean, nothing happened?! Are you going to sit here and tell us that you hit Timmy Grayson for no reason?" Mike asked incredulously.  
  
"No. I had reasons, but it doesn't matter."  
  
"Well, if that's the way you feel, then you can go home and think about what you've done. I won't tolerate fighting, Mary Kate, no matter what the reason is," Mr. Dawson decided, pushing a sheet of paper toward Mike.   
  
Mike scrawled his name on the bottom before standing up and walking toward the door. Mary Kate sat there for several seconds before reluctantly following her father out the door and toward the car.  
  
Neither of them said a word during the ride home. Mary Kate noticed her mom's car was gone, so she was hoping her father would just let things go until her mom got home. That had been his attitude of late. Mary Kate followed Mike into the house and prepared to go outside to the tree house when Mike stopped her.  
  
"Sit down. We need to have a talk," Mike demanded, pointing to a kitchen chair. "What were you thinking about, Mary Kathryn? Your mother and I don't need this right now!"  
  
"Don't need what? Mary Kathryn, what're you doing home from school? What happened to you?" Jill interjected from the doorway, getting her first good look at her daughter's dirty face and torn clothes.  
  
Mike and Mary Kate turned in surprise towards the doorway, neither of them having heard Jill enter until then.  
  
"Our daughter's been beating up her classmates on the playground. So much for the discipline of public school! When the new school year starts, she's going to private school!" Mike yelled as Mary Kate and Jill both cringed.  
  
"You're over reacting. Did you find out why she's fighting on the playground?" Jill asked calmly as she got a wet towel and began cleaning Mary Kate's face.  
  
"It doesn't matter why! Mary Kathryn, I want you to go to your room! I don't want to see you down here again today!" Mike said, storming out the back door.  
  
"Come on, let's take you upstairs and get you cleaned up," Jill sighed, taking Mary Kate by the hand and leading her upstairs.  
  
Up in the bathroom, Jill set Mary Kate on the counter and took a better look at her before running a bath for her. As Jill was helping her undress the little girl burst into tears. Jill felt like crying herself as she pulled her close to her. "It's going to be okay," Jill soothed her.  
  
"Why does daddy hate me?" She sobbed.  
  
Jill felt like going downstairs and killing Mike for what he was putting both of them through. She didn't know how to explain grief to a child. She gently pulled Mary Kate away and wiped her tear stained face. "Your daddy doesn't hate you. He's just under a lot of stress and he's very sad about your brother," she tried to explain as Mary Kate watched her skeptically.  
  
"Well, you're sad about my brother, too, but you're not being mean to me," Mary Kate countered logically.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, I don't think your daddy is being mean to you on purpose. He loves you very much. He's just going through a rough time right now. I'll tell you what. I'll call Eddie this afternoon about you going over there Friday night and that way, I'll have time to talk to your daddy," Jill suggested as she helped Mary Kate into the bathtub.  
  
After bathing her and putting her in clean clothes, she sent Mary Kathryn to her room to play.   
  
Mike was sitting on the back patio when Jill came outside. "I just had the most heartbreaking conversation I've ever had in my life with our daughter. She wants to know why her daddy hates her," Jill said icily as Mike avoided looking at her.  
  
"I don't hate her," he mumbled.  
  
"I know that but she doesn't. I'm going to try to send her to Eddie's this weekend and then you and I are going to talk," she stated firmly.  
  
"I don't know what you want from me, Jill," Mike complained.  
  
"You want to know what I want from you? I want you to start being a father to your daughter again! Right now that's all I want. I'm willing to sit on the back burner for the time being," Jill retorted, going back into the house.  
  
"I'll talk to her before I leave for work. I have to decide what her punishment is, anyway," Mike told her wearily.  
  
  
Mary Kate was working on a puzzle in her room when Mike walked in. She searched his face to see if he was still angry but all she saw was hurt and sadness. He sat down in the other small chair at her table.  
  
"Timmy Grayson said I was afraid to see Matthew in his coffin. That's why I hit him," Mary Kate explained softly, patiently fitting pieces of her puzzle into place.  
  
"I see," Mike said thoughtfully, digesting this information. "I guess I probably would've hit him, too, if he'd accused me of acting like a girly girl, but fighting at school is still wrong, no matter what the reason. So I'm going to give you a couple of weeks to think about what you've done. No playing with Thomas after school and I want you in bed a half hour earlier," Mike concluded as he got up and started toward her door.  
  
"Can I still go to Eddie's this weekend?" Mary Kate asked in a subdued voice.  
  
"Yeah," Mike agreed.  
  
"I didn't mean for Matthew to die," she whispered as Mike started to leave.  
  
"Mary Kate, what're you talking about?" He paused, turning around.  
  
"I was mad, but I didn't mean to be. It's just that you were always talking about taking Matthew to Rams games and stuff. But I didn't mean to be mad. Honest, I didn't," she sniffled, looking at Mike with fear in her eyes.  
  
Mike walked over and sat down hard on Mary Kate's bed, covering his eyes with his hands so she wouldn't see his tears. 'Oh my God, what've I done?' He thought to himself. He uncovered his eyes and noticed Mary Kate standing in front of him, watching him warily. He gently tugged on one of her braids.  
  
"Sweetie, Matthew didn't die because of anything you did. It was just an awful accident. I don't want you to ever think it was your fault because it wasn't. Just like it wasn't my fault or mommy's. It was just something that happened. Your mommy and I both love you very much. Nothing's ever going to change that," he said, pulling her down onto his lap and hugging her close to him.  
  
"Then will you and mommy please stop fighting," she whispered, looking at him closely. "I don't like it when you fight."  
  
"I want you to stay in here for another hour, then you can go outside and play," Mike said abruptly, placing Mary Kate on her bed before walking out.  
  
Mike told Jill what Mary Kate's punishment was before he left for work that afternoon but that was all..  
  
Jill waited until Mike had left before she called Eddie regarding Mary Kate staying at the house that weekend. She caught him in his office. "Eddie, I was wondering if you or Trap could pick Mary Kathryn up Friday afternoon. She wants to spend the weekend at your house," Jill explained.  
  
"I don't see why that would be a problem. I don't get off duty until four, but Trap can pick her up as soon as she gets home from school. How's everybody holding up?" He asked solicitously.  
  
"Not too well, I'm afraid. I can't get into it over the phone because Mary Kathryn's playing outside. He won't talk to me, Eddie. He's pushing me and Mary Kathryn away," she answered in a small voice.  
  
"I know," Ryker sighed. "I've seen it here, too. Can you call me after you put Mary Kate to bed tonight?"   
  
"Yeah. I'm scared, Eddie. I don't know what to do," she admitted.  
  
"We'll talk later. I'm going to let you go before Mary Kate comes back into the house. It'll be okay, Jill," he told her as she hung up the phone.  
  
That night Jill made sure Mary Kate was sound asleep before going downstairs and calling Eddie. They talked for over two hours. It felt so good just to have someone listen to her fears. She hadn't been able to talk to the guys because they were so uncomfortable discussing the baby's death. Eddie assured her that if she fought hard enough, she'd get Mike back. He wasn't going to just throw away 13 years of marriage. Jill hung up the phone, hoping he was right.  
  
  
  
Friday afternoon Jill helped Mary Kate pack her things to take to Eddie's for the weekend. Mary Kate had told her mother that the school principal had made Timmy Grayson apologize to her in front of the whole school.  
  
"I don't know why he made Timmy apologize. I threw the first punch," Mary Kate told her mother, clearly puzzled.  
  
"Well, maybe Mr. Dawson knows it's not right to hit girls," Jill told her.  
  
"But I hit him first," she corrected her mother, still confused.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, it doesn't matter. Boys should never hit girls," Jill said as Mary Kate looked at her.  
  
"Why? Thomas punches me in the arm all the time. It doesn't mean anything," Mary Kate said, looking at her mother as if she were from Mars.  
  
"Mary Kathryn, one day I'll sit down and explain to you why Thomas shouldn't be hitting you, but right now we have to finish getting you packed. Trap's going to be here any minute," Jill stated.  
  
"Will you kiss daddy for me when he comes home tonight?" Mary Kate asked, putting her favorite books in her suitcase and closing it..  
  
"Of course I will. Come on, Trap's going to be here soon," Jill said, picking up the suitcase.  
  
  
Jill was lying in bed reading when she heard Mike come into the house. She heard him go through his nighttime rituals before coming up the stairs and entering their bedroom.   
  
"Hi," Mike said, surprised to find her still up. "Did you get Mary Kate off to Eddie's okay?" He asked, taking off his watch and putting it on the dresser.  
  
"Yeah, he wants you to pick her up on Sunday," she replied.  
  
"Does it have to be me? I mean, I have to be at work and -" Mike started to say.  
  
"Then I suggest you pick her up early," Jill interrupted quietly.  
  
"I'm going to take a shower," he stated abruptly, grabbing his pajamas out of his dresser drawer and storming into the bathroom.  
  
He stepped under the warm spray of the shower and let it wash over him. He was hoping against hope that Jill would be asleep when he got out. He knew she'd probably talked to Ryker, which was probably why the older cop wanted him to pick up Mary Kate on Sunday instead of dropping her off like he normally did. He didn't know what everybody expected of him. He didn't understand how Jill could just so casually pick up the pieces of her life and move on, as if nothing had happened. When he came out of the bathroom, Jill was lying on her right side in the darkened bedroom. He got into bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. He stiffened up when Jill moved closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Mary Kathryn wanted me to kiss you for her when you got home. I promised her that I would," she said, noticing his reaction to her touch. "I don't know why you keep flinching away from me. It's not like we can make love, anyway."   
  
"When are we going to stop arguing about this?" Mike asked in a tired voice.  
  
"When we start facing what happened," Jill replied.  
  
"When we start facing it?!" He turned over and glared at her. "I face it every day when I wake up in the morning and look at our son's empty bedroom! I face it every morning when I go downstairs and look at his framed footprints over our fireplace! Maybe you're the one who needs to start facing it because I already do! Every minute of every day." He turned back over and punched his pillow a few times, his indication that the conversation was over.   
  
Jill turned away from him as tears began to burn behind her eyelids. How could he accuse her of not facing up the fact that their son was gone? She couldn't even bear to go near the bedroom at the end of the hall. There wasn't a minute of the day that went by that she didn't miss him and wish she had him here...to play with his tiny toes and fingers and listen to his baby babble, as she'd done with Mary Kathryn. But, as much as she missed Matthew, she missed the comfort of Mike even more. In almost thirteen years of marriage, not a day had gone by that they hadn't told each other 'I love you' or shared a kiss and a touch. That all changed the day their son died. Jill wanted Mike back more than life itself.  
  
  
  
Mary Kate was diving off the side of the pool when Mike drove up just after noon on Sunday. An excellent swimmer, Mary Kate liked to show off her diving abilities to anybody who'd watch. At the moment, Trap was her captive audience. Mike stood by the pool watching her for a few minutes. Mary Kate squealed happily when she got out and saw her father. She ran over and hugged him.  
  
"Are you about ready to go?" Mike asked disinterestedly, disengaging her wet arms from around his waist.  
  
"I think Eddie wanted to see you before you left," Trap said, noticing with dismay his reaction to Mary Kate's embrace. "I can watch Mary Kate for a little while longer."  
  
Mike sighed as he walked toward the house. He was glad that Eddie had finally decided to move back into the house shortly after Mary Kate's birth. Mary Kate loved the place and it gave both Mike and Jill a place to get away to from time to time. He looked around the living room when he walked in. Besides the pictures of Eddie's late wife, Mary Kate, there were framed pictures of little Mary Kate all over the place. One thing Mike could say about Eddie was he was a very attentive godfather, sometimes too much so. He tended to spoil Mary Kate rotten.  
  
"Danko, have a seat," Eddie's voice boomed from a corner of the living room.  
  
Mike felt much like he had when Eddie had first been his lieutenant and he'd done something wrong. He sat down nervously, staring at the floor.  
  
"I talked to your wife the other night. She's scared, Danko. scared and very upset. She said you're turning your back on her and on your daughter, the two most important people in your life," Ryker told him.  
  
"I'm not turning my back on them, sir. I don't know what she wants from me. I can't be what she wants me to be," Mike said.  
  
"Have you even tried to find out what that is? Have you sat down with her and talked to her about what happened that day? She needs for you to assure her that you don't blame her," Ryker admonished him.  
  
"I don't blame her. I've never blamed her!" Mike shouted.  
  
"Then you need to be telling her that and not me. Also, you've got a little girl out there who's also very scared and very confused. That might very well explain why she got into a fight at school," Ryker said.  
  
"We talked about that. Jill told me that Timmy had to apologize to her in front of the whole school but I never told her what it was that set Mary Kate off that day," Mike informed him.  
  
"Danko, you really need to talk to Jill. You need to talk to each other and grieve together. I would've given anything to have had somebody to talk to when I lost Mary Kate. I think that's one reason I couldn't live in this house for so long. I was afraid to move on. You and Jill have each other. Now, I hope that's never going to change. I can keep Mary Kate here with me and take her to school from here if you want to try to get things straightened out with your wife," Ryker said, standing up.  
  
"I remember asking you once when you asked me to do something if it was an order," Mike began, smiling slightly at the memory.  
  
"And what did I tell you?" Ryker demanded.  
  
"You told me that you could make it one," Mike answered honestly.  
  
"And I could this time, too. You and Jill mean a great deal to me. You always have and I don't want you throwing your whole life away," Ryker informed him as they walked back toward the pool area.  
  
Mary Kate ran up to Mike when he walked outside.   
  
"Listen, sweetie," Mike started, pulling her off to one side and kneeling down in front of her. "Eddie and I were just talking and we both think it'd be a good idea for you to stay here for a few more days. He's going to take you to school and Trap will pick you up after school. Would that be okay?" Mike asked, seeing the look of disappointment coming over Mary Kate's face.  
  
"For how long?" She asked plaintively.  
  
"How about if I pick you up next Saturday and we can go riding on the beach. Would that be okay?"   
  
"Can mommy come, too?" She asked slowly.  
  
"Well, she can come with me, but I don't think the doctor wants her riding horses just yet," he assured her.  
  
"You'll be here early, won't you?" Mary Kate asked him.  
  
"Bright and early, I promise," he vowed, kissing her on the cheek.  
  
  
  
Jill was worried when Mike arrived home without Mary Kate. He looked at her as he went to the kitchen to get something to drink.  
  
"Where's Mary Kathryn?" Jill asked, following him into the kitchen.  
  
"She's going to stay with Eddie for a few more days," Mike said evasively.  
  
"Mike, she has school," Jill told him.  
  
"I know. Eddie's going to take her to school and Trap's going to pick her up. I told her I'd pick her up Saturday morning and take her horseback riding," Mike answered, finishing his drink and putting his glass in the sink. "I'm supposed to go jogging with Terry before I leave for work. I'll be back in a little while."  
  
Jill watched in puzzlement as Mike went upstairs to change clothes. He left the house a few minutes later to go jogging. He barely made it back home in time to shower and change clothes to go to work. Jill didn't know what was going on, but his whole demeanor seemed different.  
  
  
Mike sat at work all day thinking about what Eddie had said to him that morning. He glanced at the two pictures he kept on his desk. One was of Jill and the other was of Jill with Mary Kate. He smiled as he picked up the picture. Even though Jill was always telling him how much his daughter looked like him, her smile was pure Jill. He thought he could never get tired of looking at either one of them. But Eddie was right. He was throwing it all away. He could feel the life he had now slipping through his fingers like grains of sand.  
  
  
Jill was asleep when Mike came into their bedroom that night. He quietly changed into pajama bottoms and a tee shirt and got into bed. He lay on his side thinking about the day he'd been called to the hospital for the birth of their son. He'd been so excited until he'd gotten to the hospital and the doctor told him about the baby. After that, everything felt like a bad dream. He got out of bed and walked down the hall to the nursery. He sat down in the rocker that had been used for Mary Kate and would never be used for this baby. He looked around the blue and white bedroom with its baseball and football motif on the walls. Jill had wanted to decorate it like this instead of traditional baby motif so they wouldn't have to change it later.  
  
Jill woke up and rolled over toward Mike's side of the bed. She knew he'd come to bed because the covers were turned back. She got up and pulled her robe on, thinking that maybe he'd gone downstairs. It was only when she walked out of their room that she saw the light coming from the nursery. She reluctantly walked toward the room. She was shocked when she walked into the room to find Mike sitting in the rocking chair with tears running down his face. "Mike, what's wrong?" She asked, kneeling down and taking his hand. "Please talk to me."  
  
"I miss him so much," he sobbed, burying his face in his hands.  
  
"I know, sweetheart. So do I. I would give anything to have him here with us right now, but that's not possible. But, as much as I miss him, I think right now I miss you more. I love you so much," she admitted, squeezing his hand.  
  
"I love you, too. Mary Kate thought she'd done something bad. That's why Matthew died. God, I felt so guilty. How could I let a small child think she was responsible for her brother's death! Did she tell you why she punched Timmy Grayson on the playground that day?" He asked her.  
  
"No, but she did say he had to apologize to her in front of the whole school the next morning," Jill replied.  
  
"He'd been taunting her, telling her that she'd been afraid to look at Matthew in his coffin. She isn't afraid of anything. She never has been," he smiled.  
  
"Mike, I think we made the right choice about her and the viewing. She's very smart, but she's also six years old. I know you're hurting, but I'm hurting, too. We needed each other so badly, but I just felt like we weren't there for each other. Our hurt and our pain was pushing everything else to one side. I wanted to die when I went to the doctor that day and he told me that our son was dead," she confessed as tears began sliding down her face. "I'd give anything to turn back the clock. I keep thinking that maybe I should've gone to the doctor the day before because I know he was moving."  
  
Mike pulled Jill up off the floor and onto his lap where they clung to each other, both finally giving into the grief they'd been withholding for so long.  
  
PART FOUR: EPILOGUE  
  
Mary Kate was riding her bike around the property when Mike and Jill pulled up that Saturday morning. She jumped off of her bike and ran to her parent's excitedly. "Mommy! Daddy!" She said as she flew into their arms.  
  
"Hey, since when do I get second billing?" Mike teased, scooping her up in his arms and kissing her.  
  
"Daddy, stop kissing me to pieces!" She giggled.  
  
"Let's go for our horseback ride. I promised, remember?" He reminded her as he put her back on the ground.  
  
"Can you go too, mommy?" Mary Kate asked Jill.  
  
"No, sweetie. You go with daddy. I'll be here when you get back," Jill smiled at her as they ran to the barn to saddle two horses.  
  
Mike and Mary Kate rode along the beach before Mike found a place for them to stop. He got down and helped Mary Kate off of her horse. They sat down on the warm sand and watched the waves.  
  
"You know that your mother and I love you very much. The day that you were born was one of the happiest days of my life," Mike began uncertainly, watching the way her hair caught the breeze.  
  
"And the day Matthew died was the saddest, right, daddy?" She asked.  
  
"Yes, the day your brother died was the saddest day of my life. But I want you to know that nothing you said or thought was responsible for Matthew's dying. You would've been a wonderful big sister to him," he said, hugging her close to him.  
  
"I still want to be a big sister. That's all I've ever wanted to be, except for maybe being a cop," she said, smiling at Mike slyly.  
  
"Hey, what happened to you and Thomas being in the spy business?" Mike asked wryly. "I thought it was a done deal."  
  
"No way. He keeps insisting that he gets to be the senior agent, since it was his idea. Can we please go home now?" Mary Kate begged.  
  
"Yeah, sweetie. We can go home now," he answered quietly, taking her hand as they walked back toward their horses.  
  
"Daddy?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I love you," she said, smiling at him with that famous Jill smile.  
  
"I love you, too," he replied, picking her up and kissing her.  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
